i cannot fully understand what it means to be unconditionally loved, and forgiven.
it seems like i am "good" for 8 days and then one day i wake up and cannot keep it together.
i feel so unworthy.
and when all this comes to a screeching halt and i am left with those feelings of guilt, disgust and sinfulness - i want nothing more than to be free from this world.
satan's foothold on me is a reminder of past sin - telling me that once a failure, always a failure.
i just look at my life and wonder, if this is what this world is made of,
if all that it consists of is sinning and disappointing my Savior, then i would rather be home with Him.
but there is something about the song "less than scars" by sara groves that gets me every time.
i think she says it best when she says:
"and in your hands, the pain and hurt look less like scars and more like character."
one of the things that causes the most pain in my life is my sin.
and what i am trying to grasp is the fact that when this is all said and done, and all satan's havoc has been received we are going to be free. free in my Jesus.
all i have to do is ask for forgiveness and He gives it freely.
freely, i say.
without reserve, questioning or doubting.
He freely gives it away, in hopes that we accept it.
and i am starting to learn not to over analyze the intentions of my Jesus and the depravity of man.
that is not what Jesus wants.
He does not want satan to have a foothold.
He wants us to be free in Him.
so tonight i am asking for forgiveness, fully knowing my mistakes and being in full regret of them - but leaning on the understanding that I am free through Him.
my sin is now "as far as the east from the west." [psalm 103:12]
even out of our sin, the Lord still shines.
His forgiveness only reflects His glory.
what blessed children we are!
rest in that today.
"I Don't have to cry anymore. I Don't have to worry about what's in store. Walk that road exhausted and poor. I don't have to cry anymore. Oh Lord, You did that for me. You wore the chains, so I could be free."
1 comment:
Brookie, I absolutely identify with every word you have written here. When I look upon my sin, I am disgusted beyond knowing and completely ashamed. And then, I am reminded that "my Redeemer lives" as sung by Nicole C Mullins and He lives to take away my shame. I do not understnad WHY I have been allowed to live and be so abundantly blessed.....but I know that without Him, my very breath would be gone and I stand in awe of Him! You are precious, my sweet daughter and sister in Christ and I am humbled by your honesty and humility.....I cannot believe that God actually chose me to be your Mom.....I am so thankful. I love you.
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