"it's time for healing, time to move on.

it's time to fix what's been broken too long, time to make right what has been wrong.

it's time to find my way to where i belong.

there's a wave that is crashing over me, and all i can do is surrender.

whatever your doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace.

it's hard to surrender to what i can't see, but i am giving into something heavenly.

time for a milestone, time to begin again.

reevaluate who i really am.

am i doing everything to follow your will?

or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?

so show me what you want from me, i give everything, i surrender.

to whatever your doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace.

it's hard to surrender to what i can't see, but i am giving into something heavenly. 

time to face up, clean this old house.

time to breath in, and let everything out.

what i have wanted to say for so many years.

time to release all my held back tears. 

you're up to something bigger than me, larger than life, something heavenly."

sanctus real/"whatever you're doing"

it is going to feel uncomfortable,

but it is time.

seriously.

lets go.

 

oaks of righteouesness

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, 

because the Lord has anointed me to preach 

good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives and 

release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and 

the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn and provide for

 those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown 

of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, 

and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness, 

a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."

isaiah 61:1-3

the Lord's perspective

as i was showering today i was listening to shawn mcdonald,

and a song played that is the epitome of how i have been feeling lately 

concerning my generation and our relationship with Christ.

we grew up in christian homes.

we have heard the stories of old about noah, moses and david.

we have attended sunday school since the day our parents were 

able to hand us over without crying.

we have answered every sunday school question with the same answer: Jesus.

and we have woken up every morning, living to please the people who we see not the one we don't.

and that in and of itself blows my mind.

we choose to please the ones who can't be pleased, the ones that won't ever accept us or love us unconditionally, the ones that can't offer us an eternity of freedom. 

we choose to live not only in the world but of it. 

we are called to be something different. 

"If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own.

 As it is, you do not belong to the world , 

but I have chosen you out of the world. 

That is why the world hates you."

john 15:19

and the truth is, as i look at the majority of people in my generation i see the world.

i see people choosing to live according to the flesh, not the word of God.

i think sometimes that we think just because we are so many years out of the bible, that the Lord's word no longer applies - but that is where we are wrong.

if at any time in this life the word has applied, it is now.

this is when the world is in most need of children of God to stand up and live for Him in accordance to His word. 

by choosing to obey the word, we are choosing the Lord,

and by choosing to disobey the word, we are choosing the world.

"Do not love the world or anything in the world. 

If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, 

the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has 

and does - comes not from the Father but from the world. 

The world and its desires pass away, but the man

 who does the will of God lives forever."

1 john 2:15 - 17

do you see that?

if we love anything in this world, the Father's love is not in us.

could anything you own be taken away and it not phase you? 

we are called away from this world.

gossip/ 2 corinthians 12:20

lying/ proverbs 6:16-19

lusting/colossians 3:5

disobedience to man's law/romans 13

we are a representation of Christ, and we are so far from being a good one.

in order to truly be of glory to Christ we need to be a model of the below passage.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all. Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."

colossians 3:1-17 

please if you think of it, lift up this generation.

i truly, deeply believe that God can work in us and we could change this world.

pray hard.

"so hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes as You watch

Your children , doing what You despise.

in pursuit of our own, we just go round and round

another nail to our cause, we continue to pound.

what are you man, if you do not learn love?

so hard to fathom, oh, the feelings inside

as Your watching Your children choose to die,

You called out a warning, to all that would hear.

saying come to Me, come to Me.

and i will learn love.

i must learn love."

shawn mcdonald/"simply nothing"/simply nothing

burden down

part 1:

put the burden down now.

it's time.

okay?

those were the words i needed to hear.

the words that are freeing me even at this moment.

the only thing i know to equate the relief to is when someone is passing away.

you know that fear and burden they are carrying around, 

believing that they can't let go because if they do, they are disappointing you or making someone go through so much pain?

well that is the way i feel. 

no, i don't believe that by putting the burden down i am causing that pain but i do believe that by hearing those words i am freed in a way. 

oh, how free i feel.

part 2:

what a struggle it is to feel loved.

what a daily struggle.

it does not depend on the giver or the pretty box that it might come in.

it depends on my heart, mind and ability to accept the idea of the actual 'being' of it.

i know in my heart of hearts that i can, am and will be.

but somehow that cannot get through to the rest of me.

it is like i have taken on man's depravity as a personal depravity.

that i am worse than you, or anyone else that lives in this world.

i can look at others and see the greatness in them, 

but within myself i can't see it.

i am blinded from it.

this is just one more burden i need to be freed from.

maybe there's a loving God

"i'm trying to work things out.

i'm trying to comprehend.

am i the chance result of some great accident?

i hear a rhythm calling, the echo of a grand design.

i spend each night in the backyard staring up at the stars in the sky.

i have another meeting today, with my new counselor.

my mom will cry and say ' i don't know what to do with her. 

she is so unresponsive.

 i just cannot break through.

 she spends all night in the backyard staring up at the stars and the moon.' 

they have a a chart and graph of my despondency.

they want to chart a path for self recovery.

and want to know i am thinking what motivates my mood,

to spend all night in the backyard staring up at the stars and the moon.

maybe this was made for me,

for lying on my back in the middle of a field.

and maybe that's a selfish thought,

or maybe there's a loving God.

and maybe i was made this way to think, and to reason, and question and to pray.

and i have never prayed a lot, and maybe there's a loving God.

and maybe this was made for me, 

for lying on my back in the middle of the field.

and maybe that's a selfish thought,

or maybe there's a loving God.

and maybe i was made this way to think, and to reason, and question and to pray.

and i have never prayed a lot, and maybe there's a loving God."

sara groves/"maybe there's a loving God"/all right here

he made those things just to see us smile.

you smile.

he chose us.

chose you.

he made you just the way you are,

fully knowing sin would enter this world

and alter his "perfect" plan.

not because he wanted to watch you fall,

because he wanted to see you question and ask

yet come to the same conclusion - that you need him.

he chose us.

chose you.

he designed this for you.

for your delight and pleasure, and his glory.

wow.

 

remember surrender

"oh, remember surrender, remember the rest? remember that weight lifting off of your chest and realizing that it is not up to you, and it never was? remember surrender, remember relief? remember how tears rolled down both of your cheeks as the warmth of your heavenly father came closing in? i want to do that again. why can't i live there and make my home? in sweet surrender i want to do so much, more than remember. remember the peace, remember how you fell fast asleep in the face of your troubles, your future still shown like the morning sun?"

i want to feel it once more.

i want those tears to come streaming down my face one more time. 

i want to do that again.

lord, 

it is not up to me.

and it never will be.

lead me back into that place of submission.

 

forgiven

i cannot grasp God's love.

i cannot fully understand what it means to be unconditionally loved, and forgiven.

it seems like i am "good" for 8 days and then one day i wake up and cannot keep it together.

i feel so unworthy.

and when all this comes to a screeching halt and i am left with those feelings of guilt, disgust and sinfulness - i want nothing more than to be free from this world. 

satan's foothold on me is a reminder of past sin - telling me that once a failure, always a failure.

i just look at my life and wonder, if this is what this world is made of,

if all that it consists of is sinning and disappointing my Savior, then i would rather be home with Him.

but there is something about the song "less than scars" by sara groves that gets me every time.

i think she says it best when she says: 

"and in your hands, the pain and hurt look less like scars and more like character."

one of the things that causes the most pain in my life is my sin. 

and what i am trying to grasp is the fact that when this is all said and done, and all satan's havoc has been received we are going to be free. free in my Jesus. 

all i have to do is ask for forgiveness and He gives it freely.

freely, i say.

without reserve, questioning or doubting.

He freely gives it away, in hopes that we accept it.

and i am starting to learn not to over analyze the intentions of my Jesus and the depravity of man.

that is not what Jesus wants.

He does not want satan to have a foothold.

He wants us to be free in Him.

so tonight i am asking for forgiveness, fully knowing my mistakes and being in full regret of them - but leaning on the understanding that I am free through Him.

my sin is now "as far as the east from the west." [psalm 103:12]

even out of our sin, the Lord still shines.

His forgiveness only reflects His glory.

what blessed children we are!

rest in that today.

"I Don't have to cry anymore. I Don't have to worry about what's in store. Walk that road exhausted and poor. I don't have to cry anymore. Oh Lord, You did that for me. You wore the chains, so I could be free."   

 

trying

"part of me is dead and won't return. a part of me wants to hide. the part that's burned."

and because of that, i don't want to try in fear that i will lose what i have left.

but i can't do that.

i have got to give up the fear.

so i am off to try.

pray.

"but right now, i just can't hear you."