warrior -poet

i've got a couple things to share with all you lovelies today.

1. i went out to eat with my professor scot mcknight,

 same guy i referenced for the best love

 quote that has ever graced my ears. 

we went to JBs, a jewish deli.

so here's a shout out to my jewish sister, lucy b.

keep it real in kansas.

he took us to get pastrami sandwiches,

i am thinking dad would be proud.

so if you are daddy - o, holler at your girl.

2. i am reading this book written by leslie ludy.

it was recommended by a good friend.

it's called "answering the guy questions".

let me make a few disclaimers before i mention 

a certain part of this "set-apart girl's" guide.

disclaimer une: there is something about 

christian books, i guess you could say the majority 

are all repetitive.  no seriously, if you have ever read one 

you know what i am talking about. the author could sum up 

what they said in five chapters into 3 pages. it's a problem. 

apparently, none of them have the gift of conciseness.

disclaimer deux: i hate books that promise revelations about the

 opposite sex, and then just leave you with the same ol' sayings 

your great aunt told you. it's not new people. 

let's get our acts together.

don't promise things you can't deliver.

disclaimer tois: she is kind of cheesy but overall her message is good.

so now that you know all of the reasons why you should doubt her,

let me give you the reason to trust her.

 in the second chapter of her book, she talks about 

warrior-poet manhood. in other words, she speaks of how guys are

 called to be so much more than what they are. instead of sitting around 

making excuses for perversion or a life full of selfishness,

 they are supposed to be fighting for our protection.

she describes a warrior-poet has one who:

"has made a sacred covenant with his holy King.

he has chosen to deny himself, take up his cross and 

follow Christ. he no longer lives to please his own 

selfish desires. he lives to please his lord. he is not seeking to 

draw attention to himself,but to draw all eyes to Jesus. 

As John the Baptist said, 'He must increase,but I must decrease.' 

(john 3:30) that's the motto of the warrior-poet's life." 

men who are on fire for the Lord are the most attractive 

men out there. seriously. he could be a russian midget with 

coke bottle glasses but if he loves the Lord, i am sold. 

in all seriousness though,

i don't only want to find a man who lives such a life,

but i also want to.  that above quote is becoming 

a daily prayer. i want Jesus to break my selfish heart.

i want to live solely for Him.

i want to draw attention to Christ.

i want to decrease, so my King can increase.

ludy goes on to talk about about what her and 

her husband's relationship looked like before they got

 married. she says:

"everytime i was around eric, i found that afterward i 

was not thinking about eric ludy. i was thinking about 

Jesus Christ. Often after spending an hour or two listening to 

Him passionately talk about the word of God, i ended up in my room 

with my bible, eagerly pouring over the scriptures and

 seeking to know Christ more. Unlike anyone i had ever know, 

eric ludy drew me closer to Jesus. in fact, his example was 

a key factor in my own decision to live a radically 

surrendered life for Christ."

can you imagine?

for so long, you don't think it's possible,

but it is. dang, if you guys are ever praying for me,

 one of my biggest requests is for a man with a 

"warrior-poet" heart.  i want our talks to be about god's 

goodness. i want to know he will lead our family into a closer

 relationship with Christ. i want a "man after God's own heart" 

for a husband. if that is what you pray for me,

how blessed i will be.

i have alot more to share from this book,

and my reading but unfortunately i have to run

and finish up some cell bio homework.

so longingly await the next entry where you

will be blessed once again by leslie ludy and her King.

she's got a lot of good stuff to say.

i love you all.

more than you know.

for reals. 

your love is strong.

so there is this guy.

his name is jon foreman.

he is the appointed lead singer of switchfoot.

anywho, he now does solo work and he has a song that 

just wraps up this whole world in a pretty bow and 

sets it on my doorstep. 

so i am regifting it and sending it your way.

i have a feeling you are going to love it.

it's called : your love is strong.

here are the lyrics:

heavenly father you always amaze me.

let your kingdom come in your world and in my life.

give me the food i need to live through the day,

and forgive me as i forgive the people who've wronged me.

lead me far from temptation, deliver me from the evil one.

i look out the window, the birds are composing,

not a note is out of tune or our of place.

i walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers,

that are dressed better than any girl on her wedding day.

so why should i worry?

why do i freak out?

god knows what i need.

you know what i need.

your love is 

your love is

your love is

strong.

the kingdom of the heavens is now advancing,

invade my heart, invade this broken town.

the kingdom of the heavens is buried treasure,

you have to sell yourself to buy the one you found.

two things that you told me:

that you are strong and you love me.

yes, you love me.

your love is,

your love is,

your love is, 

strong.

your love is, 

your love is,

your love is,

strong. 

our god in heaven, hallow it be thy name above all names,

your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

give us today our daily bread, forgive us weary sinners.

keep us far from our vices and deliver us from this prison.

so there you go kiddos,

that's all i got.

i am just feeling overwhelmed today

by god and this "universe" thing.

have a good night.

i miss you all. 

xoxo

kansas is keeping it real.

oh dear.

so you kansas citians are keeping it real at 5 am,

compliments of ms. whiny pants who keeps claiming the eight.

i don't think it's fair.

i will start a petition.

you can sign it, alright?

let's see here.

what kind of update do i got for you all.

well first off, i had a crazy dream last night.

it was about the end times.

not something that most people want to wake up to.

it's a little frightening.

 

second of all,

last night before i fell asleep all i could think

about was what is would be like

if it all worked out.

i was telling abbie, that i don't want

to go through the let down again.

that would mean i would have to

once again convince myself that vulnerability

was worth it.

and that takes time people.

time i don't have.

so this needs to work out,

for time's sake.

right?

:)

third,

it's a good thing my sister's surgery went well,

and that she isn't sick like last time.

that would be stinky.

thank you to dr. spradlin and team.

we payne and moore folk appreciate it.

oh and i have been reading the bible

a lot recently, and can i just say that once you

get started you just can't stop!

it just creates this thirst in you.

 my mom always told me stories about how in the beginning

when she first became a christian, all she ever wanted to do

was read the bible and quite frankly i didn't understand it,

until i was out of high school. 

then it finally hit me, like a brick wall.

so as long as i am overtaken by love for my savior

all you will be getting are some classic "b jokes" and lectures

about things i am reading.

what a lucky group you are.

so here we go...

ecclesiastes 2:10-11

when i went to jamaica for my senior

missions trip, every single night we had

a time of reflection and bible reading.

someone would speak, usually ted goeke,

a youth pastor and radio dj from georgia.

anyway, one night ted said something that

has stuck with me ever since.

he said:

 "if satan can't make you bad, he will

make you busy."

i think it has stuck with me, because it is so true.

since he can't get me to drink, curse and sex it up, 

he is constantly attempting to distract me from 

what is really important.

and slowly but surely i start doing things that i 

want in my time the way i like it.

it becomes less about god and more about myself.

which leads me to my lecture

from ecclesiastes.

here is what is said in v. 10-11:

"i denied myself nothing my eyes desired;

i refused my heart no pleasure.

my heart took delight in all my work, 

and this was the reward for all my labor. 

yet when i surveyed all that my hands had done,

and what i had toiled to achieve,

everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;

nothing was gained under the sun."

i think i am going to post that up somewhere

to remind me that if my purpose is my own,

then nothing is going to be gained.

it has to be for the lord, or i am going nowhere.

so there you go, 

the lecture for the day is completed.

i hope you enjoyed.

loves. loves. loves. and more loves. 

p.s. 

here is a quote from greys.

good ol' miranda bailey.

"no one is going to be doing surgeries

until i am so happy that i am

mary freakin' poppins!"

 

pray.

so seriously, pray for me if you think of it.

this week and into next is going to be overwhelming.

i can already feel the pressure and stress,

and the thing is - it's just turning me off towards the whole idea. 

it makes me not want to do anything.

to just lay around, not work.

so pray for self-discipline, for productiveness and sleep.

i would be very, very grateful. 

keep it real peeps.

when it was over.

i had a book assigned to me in my jesus of nazareth class,

and although my purpose was primarily educational, it quickly became so much more.

in it i found the most perfect definition of love.

one that i plan on incorporating into a wedding someday,

one i want to be the definition of the love i give to my future husband,

essentially one that defines our marriage.

so here it is:

love: an unconditional regard for a person that prompts 

and shapes behaviors in order to help that person 

to become what God desires. 

scot mcknight, my professor and author of the book "the jesus creed" is referencing 

one's love for christ as well as others when he gives us the above definition.

and for the first time, i think someone got it right.

for the first time, i can truly say i agree.

people walk around asking question after question

about love and by what standard it can be measured.

but the answers they receive are few and far between,

at least the ones of truth and worth.

scot mcknight defines it best when he says love is essentially selflessness.

the priorities of "his" love all fall in line.

first, our love is to worship and glorify God.

next, our love is help our "loved one" purely live out God's plan for their life.

we aren't doing it to gain worth, confidence or pleasure.

we are doing it because we want to glorify our King.

as you all know, i am addicted to sara groves music.

i literally can't get enough.

her music is my life in song.

but here is the thing, different songs apply to different times.

you know what i mean?

for three months of your life "painting pictures of egypt"

and "rewrite this tragedy" apply, and you forget all about "honesty".

well this similar situation happened to me today.

i have been listening to "maybe there's a loving God" and "song for my son's"

like crazy, but tonight when i got in bed to go to sleep, God had a whole other plan.

i got all tucked in, and set my macbook on my lap to get on the internet before

i closed these tired eyes for good. before i had hopped into bed, i turned on my 

ipod, like normal, to sara groves. and after a couple songs "when it was over" came on.

it immediately hit me. like i was hearing it for the first time.

for the past couple of days, i have been dealing with the relationships,

whether it be with christ or with humans. i have been examining the way that

i am loved by others, as well as how i love. 

but primarily marriage and the idea of a lifetime spent with someone

has been on my mind. maybe it is because i twenty years old, and that is

what girls my age think about or maybe it is because God is working in me.

i have always been fearful of marriage.

i haven't had good examples, 

i haven't heard good things and 

i haven't experienced a relationship that ended particularly well.

so all of that to say, that i think God is trying to work.

trying to change my heart.

trying to get me ready for something.

maybe because this time things feel different.

and so God has been doing this good work in me,

and transforming my thoughts and beliefs.

showing me that he has a plan, and it is good.

and that it can work.

so i leave you with this song.

i leave you with the thought that my heart's desire for marriage is this.

i leave you with the fact that i am praying, really, really hard for something more.

and i leave you with the fact that this time it feels a whole heck of a lot different, 

and as scared as i am all i can do is trust because it just feels right.

it feels like it could honestly be my happy ending.

"when it was over and they could talk about it,

she said there's just one thing that i gotta know.

what when you were running so hard and fast,

made you stop and turn for home?

he said i always knew you loved me even though i'd broken your heart.

i'd always knew there be a place for me to make a brand new start.

oh love wash over a multitude of things.

oh love wash over a multitude of things.

make us whole.

when it was over and they could talk about it,

when they were sitting on the couch.

she said what on earth made you stay when you

 finally figured out what i was all about?

he said i always knew you'd do the right thing,

even though it might take some time.

she said, yeah i felt that and that's what probably

saved my life.

love wash over a multitude of things.

love wash over a multitude of things.

make us whole.

there is a love that never fails, 

there is a healing that always prevails.

there is a hope that whispers a vow,

promises to wait while we work it all out.

so come with your love and wash over us.

love wash over a multitude of things.

love wash over a multitude of things.

 make us whole. "

i don't blame you.

it is beautiful out today.

i believe the current temperature is around sixty - eight.

it is supposed to get up to eighty.

but i am content with sixty -eight.

not too hot, not too cold. 

so last night was a drag, but this morning i woke up

and am feeling a little more on the uppity side.

can't explain it, but thankful for it.

the above phrase sounds like a country song.

oh dear.

so i am honestly in love with rilo kiley.

her songs are all bitter and tainted and i like it.

she tells it like it is, instead of lying.

honesty is the best policy, or at least that is what i 've heard,

but then again don't quote me.

so i leave you with the fact that although in the moment,

your problems may seem huge and overwhelming

that truth of it all is that we are only here for a little bit,

and most of the so called "problems" really chalk up to nothing

when all is said and done.

so take it with a grain of salt, and relax.

tomorrow is a new day.

a new day for a new beginning.

april 23

today is one of those days.

when everything feels bigger than it is.

when everyone around me makes me feel small and unapproachable.

when everywhere i have to go isn't silent enough.

when all i want to do is cry.

it isn't a day for the books that is for sure.

i am not sure why i am feeling this way, but it seems to happen to me every spring.

this time though, i am going to think happy thoughts. 

the world seems overwhelming, and i don't like it.

not one bit.

i look around and think about those huge questions of life that can't be answered.

the ones like:

who am i, really?

was i made for more?

all those stupid ones.

i wish i was amazed and flabbergasted by comic books and sliced apples.

imagine the ease of my life and those around me if the above was true.

those kinds of people aren't bombarded with stupid life questions,

but alas, they have to be pushed around in wheelchairs.

all in all, tomorrow is a new day.

but tonight i am going to bask in these melancholy feelings.

it's who i am.

you can't blame me.

i'm out.